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Post by fred emney on Nov 30, 2013 21:06:58 GMT
Following a 2-0 loss at the seaside of Blackpool we asked local pier comedian Stan bollocks his take on the match...
"I say i say i say, wednesday`s trophy room was pillaged last night... police are looking for a man carrying a blue & white carpet... My, what a terrific game at bloomfield, Tin Pot FC beat the mighty arseholes 2-0 and the travelling support got all uppity, they want their manager out and all because apparently he has failed to continue their 50 years of continuous success & trophy winning , now the 3 words de loo & ded spring to mind. And anyway as i was walking home i spotted a wednesday season ticket nailed to a tree, i thought "i`m having that", well you can never have enough nails"
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Post by fred emney on Dec 1, 2013 21:19:16 GMT
Dave Jones agent, Ron Slime, on his clients damnable sacking at the Sty...
"My client feels he has been wrongly accused of failure at Massive Inc. He will stick his neck out, if indeed he had a neck, & say yes, there were mistakes, but not by him, it was those bleeding w**k players he had. David is honest, trustworthy & scouse, er, ok well i`ll rephrase that... David is scouse.
David Jones has done a wonderful job this season for Sheffield United and i know their fans see his dismissal as a real shame for football in the city"
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Post by fred emney on Dec 4, 2013 6:41:13 GMT
After Leicester home, BBC reporter Neville Vile was on the case...
Here is the news for the less intellectual... for those 50,000 who will now claim you were there & weren`t.... you beat Leicester 2-1, you are celebrating in the streets & you have got the open top bus on order. Your treatment of the hunchback was quite childish, after all this poor deformed human has done for you!!! you are scum!!!... at least you should`ve kept him on until relegation was confirmed. Nigel Pearson ex-hillsborough was quoted as saying "i was only telling Peter Swan the other night, i can see wednesday beating us tuesday night, sorry, don`t take cheques, cash only mate"
A breakout of top five has once again hit Sheffield 6, experts say another win & it`s Europe in 2 years, World Cup winners 2018. Sir Alex says "all those league wins i got without wednesday in the division don`t count, i resigned last season because they would`nt promote wednesday as of right" ... Sir Alex is also a lying scots b*****d who`ll say anything for a bottle of single malt.
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Post by fred emney on Dec 7, 2013 21:16:56 GMT
The open top bus is put on hold for a week after a deserved 1-0 home loss to forest, The Dalai Lama happened to be listening to the game on his battery radio..., we asked for his opinion on the match:
"Ancient Tibetan proverb say "nibbling rabbit can also die of overfeeding", i see wednesday i see rabbit, i also see donkeys, but mainly i see rabbit. I see vast support, ah, there`s more donkeys, i see delusion, i see another proverb coming on, "The wise understand; fools follow the reports of others" the wise is United, the fools are Wednesday, the fools believe the lies of their peers. Oh f**k it, wednesday are crap, long live Tibet"
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Post by fred emney on Dec 14, 2013 21:45:56 GMT
One jammy 1 -0 win at the ever declining watford FC & the open top promotion celebration bus is back getting dossed out with blue & white at S6. Our Vicarage road correspondent managed a quick chat with a rather glum Watford supporter, a Mr Elton John, here`s Mr John`s views...
"You know, i think it`s going to be a long long time before watford touch down and get beat by a such a bunch of dire mugs. Gianfranco don`t go breaking my heart, that`s 10 games since a win & losing to these brown dirt cowboys is scandalous, Wednesday had 1 shot, yes 1 shot a goal in the entire game!!, blimey the missus David furniss could`ve stopped that wi` his pinny & a sponge tart. I`ve had it , your song is up Zola, we can`t put up with this bollocks losing to a bunch of deluded scumbags. I wish Zola was called Daniel then at least i could visualise his red tail light on their way to Spain, Damn.... he`s not even Spanish ,he `s a bloody horse faced squat italian t**t... but i love him"
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Post by fred emney on Dec 18, 2013 22:06:25 GMT
Getting thrashed 1-0 by wigan at the sty, when game is called off.... Stan Arse (& sons), plumber, gave us his verdict on proceedings
" well, it`s the u-bend blockage on the home kop, an excessive amount of what we call in the trade, ...shit. Never seen owt like it, they must talk it in droves around here mate. As fo` pitch, well that`s no pitch lad, that`s a bloody great urinal. Never seen so much piss, this here club and it`s support spout it like chatsworths bloody fountain. Big job this, not sure we can remove all the scum , that`s there for life, we can stop a certain amount of effluent seeping out of the home stands but there`s just too much bloody crap around, if it were an `orse we`d shoot it. Now pass me that plunger...."
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Post by fred emney on Dec 21, 2013 21:17:20 GMT
At the 1-2 home loss to mighty bournemouth, our roving interviewer caught up with Miley Cyrus who was at the game...
INTERVIEWER: Miley, what did you think of the game?
MC: I`m really grown up now , do you want to see my minge?
INT: er, no, Miley , how did you rate sheffield wednesday`s performance today?
MC: How about my tits, i can show you those, i`m a woman now you know
INT: er, no thanks Miley, and anyway, if you think they`re tits you want a refund luv, so is Stuart Gray the man for the job?
MC: I twerk like no other you know
INT: What?, Twerk?, didn`t he play for man city in the `70s?, Dennis Twerk?
MC: ooo, Dennis, that`s quite rude sounding isn`t it, i`m quite rude you know i`m a real grown up rude woman
INT: er yes, and the overall view of hillsborough & the football
MC: i smoke too, anything, anything at all. Horseshit.
INT: You smoke Horseshit?
MC: No you limey jerk, that`s what i thought of Sheffield wednesday today, their formation, their squad , the fans & their piss rusty football ground... all horseshit from top to their fanny.
INT: thankyou Miley, that`s actually quite intelligent and insightful for a such little girl
MC: #%$@ %$# &^% #$#@#@$ !!!!!!
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Post by fred emney on Dec 26, 2013 21:09:20 GMT
0-0 at blackburn, it`s another point to glory. Stan Grollix of Doncaster Rovers supporters club was kind enough to give us an update on the wednesday blitzkrieg...
"As Lennon & MacCartney would say, 4000 arse`oles in Blackburn Lancashire, but as usual it`s doubtful the travelling sty support managed such a number, it`s another to add to their "i was there" fantasies. 0-0 apparently now rightfully puts the wednesday on course for Europe. The promotion bunting is being signwritten as i speak, though it`ll take `em a while to look up the spelling of the word "Owls' and that of "Up" & of course it`s not easy painting any sort of lettering on a soft bog roll. They`re now only 2 points behind us & we are shitting sea lions at the thought of such a super massive club about to overtake us on their way to the finals of the Owlerton has talent european finals".
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Post by fred emney on Dec 29, 2013 21:27:54 GMT
A 1-1 draw at the Valley... Barry Norman, film critic was there to review proceedings...
"Well what can i say, after checking through the cast list i expected poor acting, poor action & poor visual effects, alas i wasn`t wrong. Kirkland who once played a leading role in part one of The Stevie Gerrard Story has succumbed to a level of performance that Laurence Olivier would describe as w**k. But he is not alone, the supporting cast are clumsy to an extreme, i believe the Director, Stuart Gray, took over the direction after the master of comedy, Dave Jones, was giving his marching orders following an early preview showing, that incidentally, had the locals biting there own arse`oles with alarm.
The part of the hero played by Charlton Heston Athletic was spoiled by the leading lady, Wendy Wickham, who didn`t seem to follow the script. The ending was disappointing and the audience were left hanging for another day . Top marks though for Mr Gray in his ability to bring 1200 extras to help fill the background, i found my eyes wandering often to this zombie hoard who all indeed looked ripe for scientific experiments, just where did he find such talent for idiocy?... the horrific make up was clumsy, ugly even, but effective... not one extra looked capable of an IQ rating.
There is effort but really i`d rather cut both bollocks off with a rusty penknife than sit through that again, 1 star out of ten, definitely a bomb".
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Post by fred emney on Jan 1, 2014 21:23:30 GMT
A 2-0 win over a limp Blackpool by Conor Wickham AFC, we asked Clint Eastwood for any comments he has for the Wednesday following, it`s quite obvious Clint has little time for gloating wednesdayites and was quite prepared to remove any swelled S6 head from it`s shoulders, I say jolly good show Mr Eastwood, you are a credit to mankind, your acting profession & Shoreham Street, it`s the only sure way to shut a gloater up...
"I know what you're thinking, pig. You're thinking "did wickham fire six shots or only five?" Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and will blow you head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I feel deluded?" Well, do ya, pig?"
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Post by fred emney on Jan 6, 2014 20:33:27 GMT
1-1 at Macclesfield in the FA Cup 3rd round, we gave Maisy-Lou Goatbridge, from Alabama a chance to show that country music isn`t just about mishaps & sadness, so she wrote us a little tune to celebrate the fare on show at the game... take it away Maisy...Clap those knees folks!:
"With Pa & Dolly... we went to macclesfield
with Hank & Wille & Boo & Frank lickliter the third we went to macclesfield
with Hank falling under a greyhound bus we went to macclesfield
Frank lost his money to a tuscon poker shark on the way to macclesfield
Pa got typhoid and ended up in boot hill on the way to macclesfield
i caught my leg and head in a thresher on the way to macclesfield
Boo put me in a wheelchair & hooked me up to a drip on the way to macclesfield
The FBI shot Dolly for her alleged spying for Russia on the way to macclesfield
We caught a grid iron match played as soccer inside the town of macclesfield
The homer`s were ace & the awayers made Hank spew in the town of macclesfield
It finished in a tie with no shoot out? in the town of macclesfield.
It reminded me of `nam but without the napalm in the town of macclesfield
macclesfield, macclesfield, the home of prohibition whisky i love you macclesfield"
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Post by fred emney on Jan 11, 2014 16:12:43 GMT
v. leeds in the second 'scum derby' of the season....at the game was Sir Wilfred Simkins, Oxford Professor of concise statements, winner of the Golden Tiddler award at the Cannes vocabulary festival 15 year in a row. Mr Simkins has just returned from Berlin where he competed against Otto Schlapp in the 1st leg of the European short essay trophy. Herr Schlapp took an early lead with his essay on "Egotism" finishing with a superb concise "me, me, me." but Sir Wilf countered with a brilliantly short "I" , the referee awarded Simkins the win and an away goal for the canny omission of a full stop. Here`s the Professor`s comments on todays game...
"6-0,shit"
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Post by fred emney on Jan 14, 2014 22:03:19 GMT
4-1 FA cup replay win over Macclesfield, the lowest ranked team left in the competition. Here`s a match report from Levfulfi a spamming moron , take it away Lev...
" Medico supplies for arthritic woodlice, Sex show featuring Hammy the hamster, tyre sizes for ivanhoe, get `em while they`re hot!! me no speak proper Engleeesh, me half wit, me wednesdayite, me should be given to university for scientific experiments, me waste of spunk, me want good kick in the bollocks... macclesfield should have bought from my magic sponge and deviant appliance catalogue .com.tosser "
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Post by fred emney on Jan 18, 2014 21:34:09 GMT
1-1 at Burnley... We asked international mime artist MARCEL MARCEAU for his thoughts on the game, difficult to gage exactly his thoughts, as he won`t talk and he is French, but the two fingered salute he gave when we asked if he was a wednesdayite was proof he knows his stuff.
Further efforts of mime , we think, showed wednesday to be a limp garlic croissant that seemed to be attacked by a herd of pigeons, but don`t quote us on that. This was followed, though opinions vary, by what seemed to be a defecating elk or possibly Conor Wickham, definitely one or the other. What was easy to decipher was Marcel`s wonderful but very rude gesture on how lucky wednesday were to jam a point. Thankyou Marcel.
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Post by fred emney on Jan 25, 2014 22:11:13 GMT
After a 2-1 FA cup win at Rochdale, might of Lancashire, Herbert Scratchet, Engraver & soil collector, 476 Bumscott Lane, Sheffield 6, gave us his run down on events...
Look, this is starting to get on my tits, wednesdayites ringing me up all hours wanting me, and i quote: " Hey, has tha engraved wednesday on to FA Cup & the Championship trophy yet".
I`ve had to put a new phone message on me mobile " Sorry Herbert can`t come to the phone at the moment because he is busy and oh yes, and because he f****** hates sheffield wednesday , if you are needing my services for non football related events please leave a message, if you are wanting wednesday engraved on the FA Cup, this will not happen, not now , not ever, though i`m more than happy to call round to your home at a time to suit us both and engrave a T, a W, an A & a T on your forehead. Have a nice day"
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