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Post by fred emney on Aug 3, 2013 23:03:36 GMT
Davey Jones & his should be locked up, travelled to QPR home of Harry the twitch.
Dave says his team are worthy champions of the championship this season, as do the fans, conveniently forgetting there are only 46 matches to go.
Dave thinks his team should have won & they had 1 shot on target the whole game to prove this, QPR only managed 10 on target in return.
final result: Harry Rangers 2 deluded 1... Nil points
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Post by fred emney on Aug 11, 2013 22:08:57 GMT
Here is the latest weekly round up, this time from our French correspondent.......
Le Cochon massive lost to le petite village of ze rotherhem in ze coup, ze massive were le shite grand.
On samedi Le Cochon played ze burnley from le boulevard manchestershire, again Le Cochon played like ze merde. Ze manager monsieur David Quasimodo is le gros imbecile and his club and fans are victime d'illusion.
1-2 1-2 is not bon enough for le Monde championne
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Post by fred emney on Aug 20, 2013 22:10:47 GMT
Leeds away in the scum derby ended 1-1. Mr David & getting wider by the minute Jones feels a late pen should`ve been given to his side, despite only one player on the field actually waving his hand to appeal it, & only then like a shy camp tailor.
Mr Jones & his fans still feel 1 point from 9 in the league is still championship winning form & they will have promotion before you can say Peter Rodrigues had a head like some weird bugger out of Star Trek.
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Post by fred emney on Aug 26, 2013 21:47:18 GMT
Millwall at home 2-2. Here`s a snippet from the German leader of the Owls Argentinian supporters branch...
"Ve haf been following ein pigdens since 1939, unt never haf they been more shittenzee. My vife Eva and I, like many of ein Pigdens, haf never been to Sheffield to vatch the vednesday play, in fact the only sight i`ve ever had of Sheffield vas through the bomb sites of my Heinkel HE 111. Ve are ein massivsten klub and Pritisher pigdogs like ze millwall have no rechte to steal points from us. the grossen hunchbak Dave Von Jones is ein dummkopf".
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Post by fred emney on Aug 31, 2013 22:07:26 GMT
1-1 at middlesbrough in the boredom derby... here`s a report from our BBC stat man:
"`Boro had 22 shots to the grunters 6, Dave Jones thinks they had 465 shots on goal , he is factually 100% imbecile. Boro had 58 % of the possession, the massive had 35% & Mrs Edith Scrot of 33 lobotomy Drive , East Stockton caught the ball 4 times in row P for 9 % of quality possession.
Boro scored 1 & conceded 1, The crowd had a 500% increase in delusion attitude following a infliction of away support. The arrogance factor also went through the roof but the empty seats claimed the larger percentage of the IQ on display.
Wednesday are 1 more point closer to the league championship that is rightfully theirs according to 99.99 % of their fans, 00.01 percent think they are Rosemary Clooney."
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Post by fred emney on Sept 14, 2013 22:51:29 GMT
1-1 draw at home to ten man Yeovil
Our somerset reporter was able to interview a local on his return home from S6
"Oo-arr, me and yon menfolk of Yeovil got on yon supporters club cart to travel to the blue brick shithouse side of Sheffield, Yon wednesday put more crap on the pitch than our cow Daisy fills the cowbarn/kitchen. We had 17 shots to the swill dwellers 9, despite them there being at home. Their goal was at least 20 wellingtons offside & that there local fete judge with the whistle, looking suspiciously like Ron Atkinson, had been at the cider me thinks. Mertyl near shat her smock when the fete judge gave that. Luckily the cart trip home was full of cheer & hay after we got that there goal to draw with the world champions".
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Post by fred emney on Sept 21, 2013 23:03:59 GMT
After a 4-1 loss at Birmingham we managed to get a match report from our childrens book writer......
"Once upon a time a football team managed by Dave the hunchback traveled to jolly old Birmingham, with a hamper full of sandwiches, pop & truffles. A big following of 50,000 friends from Dave`s rusty little blue shed in Sheffield followed Dave to the match, 48,000 taking a wrong turn somewhere.
Dave the scouse hunchback and his friends thought his side versus Birmingham would be like the wolf eating granny but a big bad man called Jesse, visiting from Manchester, had other ideas. First big bad Jesse blew a bit and scored, blew a bit more and scored again & Dave`s smiling team of little piggies started to teeter & then he blew an almighty bit more & the whole lot of wednesday crumpled to the ground.
But this was only half time & Jesse had time to wave his magic wand once again before his team sportingly declared & let the hunchback go back to his rusty little shed with a goal to snort over. And they lived demented ever after."
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Post by fred emney on Sept 28, 2013 21:48:47 GMT
After the loss at home to Donny, we were privileged to get a Shakespearean version of events from Sir Kenneth Branagh....
"These tales I had on september day'
Lord Doncaster and his happy few
What feats he did that day.
Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Macheda
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And the hunchback of Sheffield 6, `tis a moaning scouse get from this day to the ending of the world,
But we shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother, FTP, UTB.
love Kenneth"
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Post by fred emney on Oct 1, 2013 21:05:41 GMT
1-1 at brighton. We asked a local Brighton tramp his views
" well i were kipping in the back of this football ground, eating me stolen egg & shit sarnies, when this whole group of deluded neanderthals turned up. They said they were from the biggest football club in history & when their team scored, they celebrated winning the championship & the b*****ds spilt my gin bottle. I took off my coat to have a right fight wi` em but when they saw i had a blue & white shit stained , ragged, ancient shirt underneath they put their arms round me & said they loved me & i was one of them. Personally i thought they were all "one of them" & why they drooled over the sight of my old grandads pyjamas i was wearing is anyones guess.
Anyway they all pissed off when, i think they called them "tin pot", equalised in the final minutes. I wasn`t sorry to see `em go, they stunk like a bloody piggery & left my cardboard/ lounge in a right old mess"
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Post by fred emney on Oct 5, 2013 21:58:46 GMT
1-1 home to ipswich... we asked Stephen Hawking, physicist, scientist & author for a run down on events....
"Good aftern.... goo... good aft.... goo.....g...... g..... oh shit sorry the batteries were getting flat, all fixed now & using my theory on quantum gravity i think i can give a realistic review of the wednesday/ipswich experiment.
Ipswich using trusted models of physical cosmology went 1 goal up only for the laws of black hole mechanics to even things up with a jammy equaliser for the blue & whites also known by the professors at Trinity Hall, Cambridge as "The Wednesday Are Totally Supreme" or T.W.A.T.S when acronymically spoken.
The match was as boring as listening to Sir Cliff Richard singing along to the general theory of relativity, as exciting as a broken spoke, as worthwhile as a brief history of a waste of time. Good bye"
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Post by fred emney on Oct 19, 2013 21:05:48 GMT
At Bolton today we had the services of Stephen King, famous horror writer of books & film, here is his match report...
"I walked through the gothic turnstile, noting an atmosphere that was eerie & somehow threatening. The locals seemed quite normal but there was a morbid sense of doom and as the mist lifted, my heart skipped a beat when i saw the horrifically ugly zombie like following of the away support. The day was going well, all was fine, the hero was 1-0 up when suddenly i heard a terrifying scream, a scream from hell, a scream that could only have come from the very devil himself: .... wednesday had equalised.
The shrieking of this tribe, known only to themselves as 'top five', was just a forewarning to what followed , i stood aghast as they drooled , they danced, they spat & for one horror stricken moment i was stood helpless, committed to my fate. I was awakened from my comatic trance by a local who with a thunderous voice, lashed with a will to kill... and sarcasm, yelled to the zombie following "It were only a jammy own goal you festering nobrots, you`re acting like you`ve won chuffin` FA cup you bunch of t**ts".
it ended 1-1.
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Post by fred emney on Oct 26, 2013 21:31:51 GMT
Barnsley away in the 3 headed/big headed derby, outside the ground our roving reporter bumped into a Mr Alfonso Gonzalez of 37 Garribaldi Park Lane, East Madrid, here is his thought on the game which saw the hunchbacks side nicely nestled in bottom spot
"My HHengleesh his not so beuno, my luck his heeven worse. I buya a lotterio ticket, i win!!!. i happy, i so happy, El primero prize ees ha ticket to watch el galacticos hin ha fierce battle hagainst el giants from same country, ees ha game millions will be watching hon their tellys. But hi no luck, it hhis ha ticket for game between 2 teams from the same county, not country, ees not Barcelona v. Real Madrid , ees Barnsley v. Sheffield Hwednesday, These not galacticoes these galling arse`oles. I watcha, they play like b*****do lavatorio attendiontes, el Hwednesday ees piss. Barnsley ees piss, they 1-1, i go home. Hi never see so many el burros".
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Post by fred emney on Nov 2, 2013 21:28:25 GMT
After a first win of the season v. Reading we caught up with Professor of Human Studies at the Oxford Swiss school of people with foreign names, Dr Helmut shickelgruber PHD, BA LBW hons.
"Vell you know Zer vas a remarkable outbreak of vot ve know-alls call a plague of gloat. Ze home team vin a game of ze futball & zey are celebrating the championship, promotion & ze return to ze top 5. Ze manager , David Jones is now no longer the worst man for ze job & a fat git, but is now ze greatest human being with a hunch since Richard the 3rd captained ze country back in 1483. Ze normal effects of such a disease is ze frightening widening of ze gob, a swelling of ze brain cell & an inordinately large amount of ze gloating. Ze only cure is to invite the patient to place his face at the end of your fist"
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Post by fred emney on Nov 9, 2013 22:03:39 GMT
The championship winning streak comes to an end with a mauling at derby, where Hagan rightfully states wednesday were lucky to get Nil, here`s another quick view form a local Derby fan...
"Now then mi duck, what`s this here shower from Sheffield 6 arkin on about? they come down here in a fuddle, brimmin about how they`re gonna whip us kecks off 6 nowt, how after last week they are promoted & how thi gonna take prem be storm next season. Well hark at them buggers, it weren`t the bobby`s job thi thought it were, 3 nowt to us!!! & if it weren`t fo fact we were so tin blummin pot it coulda been ten nowt. The smarmy sods, bostin at seams with their up thi sen attitude, tha`d get more sense out o` me prize ram`s arse. Now Jamie Ward, let`s be reyt, he`s a cracker, thanks Blades, the youth fell ova his sen making `em squirm like shit out orra goose".
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Post by fred emney on Nov 23, 2013 21:17:20 GMT
After a home loss to Huddersfield we asked Police Constable Perkins for his view ...
"`ello. `ello `ello, what`s all this then, the wednesday parked illegally in the wrong division? I`m afraid i`ll have to ask Mr Jones to blow into this here bag, his driving is all over the road and having no neck and a fat paunch is not an excuse under the current UK road laws.
Letting `uddersfield run all over you is a further penalty of 6 points. Mr Jones` supporters can not claim to have had an exemplary driving record at the wednesday for the past 20 years because their claims to multi title winning driving, and lots of cups for their outstanding achievements is a load of what we coppers call piss.
If you can`t pay the fine by january 2014 i`m sure your conniving shady management team of lawyers will get the co-op to pay it. Now run along sonny."
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