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Post by fred emney on Jan 29, 2014 20:44:18 GMT
1-1 at millwall, our interviewer caught up with Reg Pollocks outside the ground, Reg claims he is not only able to talk right handed he is also fluent in left handed...
INTERVIEWER: Well Reg, what are you speaking at present?
REG: I am speaking Right Handed
INT: and now?
REG: I am speaking Left Handed
INT: I don`t hear any difference?
REG: I think you`ll find that in any Indo European Germanic language there is a certain crossover of words
INT: Are there any words that are uniquely Left Handed?
REG: Frolic... and Barry
INT: And any uniquely Right Handed?
REG: There are many
INT: Can you give an example?
REG: I just did!
INT: Sorry?
REG: The words There Are and Many. I possibly confused you there as i don`t talk with commas
INT: I see, and CAN you talk with commas?
REG: Of course, though when i do use commas, i tend to, use, them in the, w, rong plac,es... as you can, see
INT: What do you think of Sheffield Wednesday FC, in say, Right Handed?
REG: They are total shit
INT: and your thoughts Left Handed?
REG: They are total shit
INT: Again, i see no real difference between Right & Left handed?
REG: I think you`ll find that in every language Worldwide, Sheffield Wednesday FC are considered total shit
INT: Fair point, what did you think of the game today?
REG: Frolic
INT: Thankyou.
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Post by fred emney on Feb 1, 2014 21:13:53 GMT
A last kick of the game 1-0 win v. barnsley in the second "2 headed/big headed" derby of the season. Our interviewer rang Deputy Prime Minister, Liberal Party leader & Sheffield Hallam MP Nick Clegg for his views... INT: Were you at the game today Mr Clegg? CLEGG: Well yes, of course i was there, to see Sheffield, er, Wensleydale play against , er, er, Bradford, yes Bradford, i always go. I love football & am a season ticket holder and don`t miss a game. INT: Do you remember the score? CLEGG: er, was it 88-82?, no wait that`s basketball isn`t it, er 7 nil?, Wensleydale are good at winning 7 nil, yes that was it, i always watch them win 7-0 every innings. INT: They`ve never scored 7 in a league game in my lifetime Mr Clegg, it was an undeserved jammy 1-0 in the last minute. CLEGG: oh yes, that`s right, i knew that, Chris Waddle scored.... didn`t he? i love Waddle, i have all his record INT: It isn`t election time Mr Clegg CLEGG: It isn`t?  ... are you sure? INT: Quite sure CLEGG: Oh well, then in that case, i hate football, Sheffield Wensleydale piss me off & their gormless supporters who keep coming into my office pestering me to start another Save our Owls campaign every time they are in the shite, they are troglodytes the lot of `em, i hate hate hate hate them. I never go, i was at home in Putney de-licing the cat. Look i have to go, Miriam`s putting the pope`s speeches on DVD, it`s the first series, you know before he lost his comedic touch, i never miss it. |
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Post by fred emney on Feb 8, 2014 21:10:18 GMT
2-0 win at 10 man reading...
We rang a private number in Moscow to contact Edward Snowden traitorous whistle blower, computer geek & snitch. We knew Snowden was listening to the match after a tip off from GCHQ at Cheltenham, here`s Edwards views...
"I recently released to Russia details of CIA classified information on Sheffield Wednesday... the CIA listeners had picked up several disturbing emails & phone calls emanating from Sheffield 6, mentioning potentially harmful words such as "world domination", "we are invincible" "the massive will smash everything in their path" "top 5" & "Allah be praised"
The Russians like the CIA were fearful this was a disturbing ugly mob of fanatical religious imbeciles and they were right. Mr Putin made me "Chief listening to other peoples business sneaky little shit" which meant they gave me a 40 year old wooden wireless & i am to sit in a room under armed guard and dictate sounds of Wednesday to my pretty secretary the wonderfully bearded & gold toothed 90 year old ex shot putter Olga Brotnik.
Today we listened to the reading/wednesday arms expo on Radio Sheffield & it was so desperately dull & full of gloating western phrases, i was wishing after 90 minutes of this terror, that the guard would pull the trigger of his Kalashnikov & put me out of my misery. Are there any humans out there more depraved? Can i go home now?"
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Post by fred emney on Feb 11, 2014 21:52:03 GMT
0-3 v. wigan ...Mildred Peaks, world reknown psychic & toilet assistant was at the game tonight. Here are her thoughts...
"Well i saw this coming, you see i read toilets while i clean `em & well, when i see something the size of a nuclear submarine dipping in & out the u-bend, i`m often reminded of the Sheffield Wednesday football club, ... if it takes 4 flushes & a plunger to remove, well that`s what we psychics call a hillsborough. Tonight while peering at the porcelain i saw clearly the chiseled features of Sam Ellis`s face which equates in the astrological charts as a 3-0 loss, and as i got to work with the plunger terry curran worked his way into view, this quite obvious meant a loss to the home side. A simple reading for a very simple club"
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Post by fred emney on Feb 19, 2014 0:31:22 GMT
Thrashed 1-0 at home by derby, we thought we`d ask our international reporter to get the views of FIFA president Sepp Blatter, who of course would, we thought, have nothing but the world`s most massive club Wednesday in mind....
INT REP: Good Evening Mr Blatter
SB : I vant 5 million of ze Pritisher pounds in untraceable used bank notes, delivery in ze unmarked brown paper bag to 37A Adolfus Goring Flats, Vienna
IR: Hang on Mr Blatter, i think you`ve got me confused with someone else
SB: Vot? vot?, vot are you saying?, you don`t vant to stage ze vorld cup in 2026?
IR: No
SB: Vot about £4 million?
IR: That`s not what i rang for...
SB: Ok, £3 million and 70% of all vorld cup merchandise?
IR: Look Sepp i rang for your views on the wednesday 0 Derby 1 massacre
SB: £2 million, a time share in Majorca and a crate of Dom Perignon?
IR: Sepp old fruit i`m not interested in staging the world cup
SB: My final offer... i vant £1 million and a 2 week caravaning holiday in Rhyl ?
IR: Done
SB: vunderbar!!... and the location of the 2026 vorld cup vill be?
IR: 72 B Ghandi Park Avenue, Poona 6, India
SB: Is it big enough?
IR: It has an upstairs and a loft
SB: Yah! perfect!
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Post by fred emney on Feb 22, 2014 21:23:36 GMT
A dull 2-0 win at huddersfield. We rang cricket commentator Henry 'Blowers' Blofeld for his comments on the game....
"Oh my dear old thing, what a pusillanimous jolly game that was from huddersfield which i believe is somewhere north of dear old Luton. Dear old Ted Dexter would be turning in his grave if he were dead. Ted had a front foot drive that would always send me swooning back to my salad days at Eton where i`d lay naked on the wicket and be whipped.... er, ...oh yes, the football, well like a good old fermented wine, er, who was playing again? I don`t really like football, don`t understand the frivolities one jolly bit, do i have to comment my dear old thing?, can i talk about pigeons or clouds or what dear old Aggers is wearing under his frock?. i believe a wednesday had a win, well my dear old thing i don`t give a dear old shit"
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Post by fred emney on Feb 24, 2014 22:00:00 GMT
Davis Pissberg the third, an American tourist was on hand to see the massive lose 2-1 to charlton & therefore miss out on the biggest game in wednesdays recent history , here are Davis`s comments...
"Well i saw the logo 'the FA cup with Budweiser', so i thought i`d have a looksee ya`ll, i`m up with soccer rules and i remember in the good ol` 70s Bobby Charlton was the part of the royal family . I asked some guy which one was goddam Bobby, but he looked at me as if Buzz Aldrin had just shat in Armstrongs air supply. There were these guys called wednesday, which used to be half day closing apparently and judging their support , their brains were goddam half day closed too. This wednesday soccer side were supposed to beat Bobby`s team & then beat a team called The Blades but they lost by 2 touchdowns to one and the locals said this wasn`t right & the FA were supposed to look after them because they are so big, and i could stick budweiser up my arse, some people just can`t take losing"
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Post by fred emney on Mar 1, 2014 23:00:45 GMT
Awful decisions again go the way of the massive in a 1-0 win over middlesborugh, our radio ham correspondent picked up some worthy comments from Bjordie Svengallssontolic an Icelandic toboggan repair man, here are his thoughts...
"Me learning the eeenglish me eeenglish no gud, we listen radio middlesbrug, we listen to learn eeenglish from locals, today we learn new words..."`boro shot is over fukkin line" & "ref is a useless blind fukkin b*****d", we not sure what talking about but can`t wait to repeat words to tutor monday , he be surprised we learn so much"
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Post by fred emney on Mar 8, 2014 21:49:46 GMT
After a 2-0 thrashing from bottomish club yeovil we asked 87 year old saintly Marjory Pules, Head of market town tourism, Somerset for her thoughts on the history of yeovil.
"Yeovil is a quaint town with activity dating from the early palaeolithic period, the name is derived from the Celtic name for 'forked river', the population is..... oh sod it. who gives a shit.... the population is sodding celebrating a win over the Sheffield massive, 2-0, we beat the pigs 2-0, we beat the pigs 2-0, 2-0000000 !!! wednesday wednesday you`re not fit to to wipe my arse, you`re not fit to wipe my arse... go home you bums go home you bums,go home you bums, go home!"
Marjory`s other hobbies include macrame, helping the needy at the local parish church & Bible reading
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Post by fred emney on Mar 12, 2014 22:06:14 GMT
1-0 loss at wigan, our roving reporter was able to catch 86 year old buck toothed comedian Ken Dodd trying to escape the ground, we asked him for his thoughts...
"How tickled i am to see diddy pot wigan beat the hugeness that is Sheffield Wednesday FC!, Happiness, happiness, lots and lots of happiness....Wednesday think they should have won but then 5 out of every 3 wednesdayites have trouble with fractions, they are like one armed butlers, they can take it but can`t dish it out... If they got run over by a steam train they`d be chuffed to bits. Actually i don`t like football, obviously wednesday fans don`t either"
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Post by fred emney on Mar 15, 2014 21:11:28 GMT
Following a 4-1 win over a very poor birmingham, our Interviewer rang Arnold Sewage, a typical wednesdayite, at home the minute the game ended for a view on the match...
INT: What did you think Mr Sewage?
AS: I love going to hillsborough the colleseum of football, i stood wth my usual mates on the open air cop ....
INT: You weren`t there were you Mr Sewage
AS: Of course i was, and Barry & Clement & Septic Todd, we go every week rain or snow...
INT: The Kop hasn`t been open air for many a year... and as you live 20 mile from the ground and the game finished 1 minute ago you have little evidence of your attendance
AS: Don`t talk rubbish, i was there, Hillsborough has always had an open air Kop, the biggestest in the world, we get 50,000 gates every week, not like United who scratch together 15,000 if they are lucky, we get gates Real Madrid can only dream about and the players are brilliant.
INT: Can you name any players?
AS: Of course i can, there`s COUGH, COUGH COUGH... and ahem COUGH
INT: So it`s cough numbers 1 to 11 then
AS: Look i know them, give me a minute, er, there`s Brian Joicey, Mick Prendergast, Warboys and Septic Todd says Terry Curran is going well. There`s that England international er, Charlton Palmster, and Kelvin Presley in goal.... we are massive and have a full team of internationals
INT: Mr Sewage like most pig fans, though you will claim to have been to every game since 1892, you don`t go, you are summat that crawls out the wordwork when the team wins & sits & watches man U on the telly in between. You are deluded and quite frankly a t**t.
AS: Septic Todd`s going to do you
INT: Thankyou for your time Mr Sewage
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Post by fred emney on Mar 19, 2014 21:50:06 GMT
After a 3-0 win over an ever fading QPR, Tony Robinson helped produce an episode of "Time Team" the popular archeological programme, here`s a taster from the show...
"We dug up the site at hillsborough following the game, apart from a few pig bones , old prams and ancient urinals we interestingly unearthed in a large hole a neanderthal figure very similar to what we call in the trade a "Titus Bramble", a historic figure of ridicule, a scorer of own goals & a giver of penalties. The particular figure we came across we managed to label as a "Richard Dunne", mainly due to deciphering the name on the back of his shirt. A QPR fan amongst us had a different label for him, which as this is a family show i won`t repeat such an uncouth anglo saxon phrase. There were further signs in the dig of the locals planning promotion parties, and european excursions in 2 years, but the contents were hard to read due not only to the bad spelling and crayon use but also for the excessive amount of drool. Personally i found the whole dig was rather shitter than jock plop McShitter the shittiest shitter in shitland".
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Post by fred emney on Mar 23, 2014 21:28:17 GMT
After a 1-0 loss to Donny, we were contacted by professor Archibald Plum who conducts experiments into stress related problems, he has a Mr Frank Grump as a patient, apparently Frank has not been able to laugh, or even smile for 40 year , scientists have been unable to solve this problem but Mr Plum was astonished at a discovery on saturday... here is a record of his taped session with Frank...
PROF: Well i give up Frank
FRANK: I don`t blame you professor, but there`s nothing to smile about these days anyway
PROF: True, look i`ll just put radio Sheffield on while i type up the session notes, that ok?
FRANK: That`s fine
RADIO SHEFF: And so it finishes Doncaster 1 Sheffield wednesday 0
FRANK: What was that score again professor?
PROF: Oh, er, Donny 1 wednesday 0
FRANK: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
PROF: My goodness!!!... let me turn the radio up!!....
RADIO SHEFF: A shot from Billy Sharp was parried by Kirkland and Brown tapped in the rebound
FRANK: Splutter, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
PROF: Remarkable!
FRANK: Ha ha ha ha ha ha , oh turn radio off Prof!! ha ha ha ha , me bleeding sides are aching, me eyes are watering, ha ha ha, this hilarious, ha ha ha ha ha ha massive my arse ha ha ha ha .... etc.
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Post by fred emney on Mar 26, 2014 22:22:58 GMT
After a jammy 1 nil win over brighton we asked Shane Warne a big gobbed big head, which was rather apt, to give an opinion on wednesday. Here is his linguistic extravaganza below ...Mr warne may have been a fat cheating aussie cricketer but he knows an injustice when he sees one...
" G`day cobblers, crickey i don`t know what to make of that, it was like watching two abbos fight over a kanga burger, those brighton mates were the best, so how bonza not cracker that a dingbat called Best scores the winner. Fair dinkum, that wednesday bunch of drongos aren`t fit to wipe the snot from a koala`s hankey. That pommy b*****d Gray has the luck of a chunder full of bits big enough to put back on the barbie. Right mate time to get back to the old sheila Liz.... oh she`s left me,... strewth, beauty that means i can pull out me text list for a grubby ringer. see ya arvo cobber".
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Post by fred emney on Mar 29, 2014 21:58:30 GMT
The odds on promotion run for wednesday is halted by a 4-1 home drubbing by watford, we had the company of Russian premier Putin after the match, here are his thoughts....
"Dear North England comrade, we annex Crimea, Crimea important, next we annex Hillsborough, My spies say Hillsborough massive, they say "big bear in little woods" ... or was it " bug bear in woolworths?", My spies say massive threat to world domination Sheff wedneski FC, we must take them under our power, they threat to our very well being. I go to hillsborough, they massive shitski they threat to only the limp wristed poodle,... i ban limp wristed poodles from Sochi Olympic, i ban politburo from hillsborough, i stick to put Ukraine on my shopping trolley, i no buy i just put on my trolley. Wedneski are piss".
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... are you sure?